I felt I have to write this. It's stuck in my head for too long, and if I don't write it out I feel like I'll burst someday. So, here it is.

Warning: This post is about my feelings and thoughts when my mother passed away. It might be uncomfortable, might be slightly offensive in the end, but it's just my thoughts. I wrote it out just to release my own stress, not offending anyone. If you're okay with it, go ahead. 

12th May 2014

Late afternoon, my dad whatsapp-ed me to fly back to Malaysia immediately, because mum is in a critical condition. For those who don't know, my mum was a cancer patient and it turned out her cancer cells were the most viscous type, so from the beginning to the end it was 2 and a half years. 

After I got the message, I tried to search for an airasia ticket, which was unfortunately fully booked. So I had no choice but to buy a more expensive MAS, which means I have to travel all the way from Busan (South) to Incheon airport (North). sigh. After that, I booked a midnight highway bus ticket (1am) and I have to travel a good 45 minutes to get to the bus terminal. SIGH. Not to mention I just got back from Malaysia one day ago. ㅠㅠ

Okay, enough of my nagging. Of course I felt irritated and frustrated, because I don't like to travel with planes, and I haven't got enough rest. But deep down, I hoped and prayed that all these effort will go to waste. Hope that when I get back she'll still be there and I'm travelling back and forth for nothing. Hope my dad will be wrong about the critical thingy. 

So after dealing with the tickets, suddenly I had the urge to cut my very long hair. It was almost waist length at that time (see my older pictures if you're curious). I have no idea why, just that I had the feeling and urge to do it. So after dinner, I went to the saloon with my boyfriend. I requested the stylist to keep my hair, and he asked, "what's the occasion?". I smiled and replied, "just feeling like keeping it since it was the longest in my record." when actually in my brain I'd decided to keep my hair for my mum's funeral (and praying it won't be soon). 

I asked to cut a more stylish head and it turned out like some korean-middle-school-girl-head. 

=_= 

oh well. 

Since I had to get the 1am bus, I need to leave home at around 11pm++ since the subway is only until 12am+. After bidding goodbye with my boyfriend, I left. I reached the terminal an hour early, so I texted my boyfriend, since I have nothing to do and wanting to distract myself. I was worried to death, but all I can do is wait. Good thing my boyfriend is a good "distractor" (lol) so one hour passed without me noticing. 

13th May 2014

I boarded the bus and I tried to sleep. No good. My brain kept thinking about many "what if-s" and in the end I cried myself to sleep. 

"what if she died?" "if she died, what will I become?" "what about dad?" "what about brother?" and the list goes on. 

Of course I didn't got a good sleep. I kept drifting in and out and before I knew it, I've arrived at the airport at 5.30am. I was like omg, my plane is 11am, which means I can only start checking in at 9am, which means almost 4 hours later. ㅠㅠ. SO MUCH WAITING. 

So i got of the bus, found a spot to sit, and I sat there observing people. (Since I had to distract myself from thinking the worst). After awhile, I got bored and took out my phone to play some games. As I looked at my phone, I wished that dad wouldn't call me and no phone calls from home. 'Cause if dad called me, it would be something bad happened that he had to tell me right on the spot. 

Unfortunately, I had a phone call from dad at around 5.45am. I froze and thought, "oh God, please not about mum. Please, let it be something like Are you at the airport? Are you fine? Where are you? " But still deep down, I knew something terrible happened or else he wouldn't call me this early in the morning. These thoughts happened in a few milliseconds, and I picked up the phone. 

"..... hello?"

"......... mum's gone."

"........ what?"

"she's..... gone."

".... okay."

And I ended the call. 

"she's gone." 

The phrase echoed in my brain as I froze in spot. Everything around me slowed down. I see the people walking by, busying talking and excited about their trip, seeing the British man beside me asking someone about his flight, the person in front of me sleeping soundly. Everything was normal. Life still goes on. I felt nothing. More like, numb. Until a few solid minutes later, the thought struck me, "I have no mum anymore. There's no one in this world I can call mum. I can't see her anymore, nor touch her, hear her voice, see her smiling as she called me 我的漂亮宝贝女儿. "  

I broke down. 

I zombie-walked to the nearest toilet, and I cried. For 15 minutes. Everything flashed before my mind, the time I spent with her, times when I took care of her, times when she was in the hospital, times when she cried and complained, times when she laughed. Everything. 

After I stopped crying, I tried to call my boyfriend. Too bad he's asleep like a pig. Tried a few times unsuccessfully, I decided to leave the toilet. In case people start wondering what's going on inside or scaring people away. 

I went to the second floor and searched for a place to sit down and calm down. I looked at the watch and realize there's around 2 hours left for check-in. I went to Paris Baguette and ordered a sandwich and a tea, thinking it'll be bad to board on plane with an empty stomach, especially with my loath on travelling with planes. Turned out I lost my appetite after I had my first bite. After mind blank for sometime, I thought I should tell my besties in Malaysia, my close cousins and my classmates in Korea. I messaged them and I updated a status in Facebook, saying I didn't get to meet her for the last time. Surprisingly they replied. (It was early in the morning). Everyone told  me the same thing. 

Be strong. 

As soon I saw the messages, I started to cry again. All of the negative thoughts and my memories with her overwhelmed me so much that I cried and cried. After I calmed down, my boyfriend called me. So after the phone call with him I cried again.  I kept crying until the people around me started to look at me, whispering and wondering. I couldn't care. For crying out loud I lost the woman I loved the most in my entire life! I was so sad, angry, irritated, every negative emotion just gushed over me like tsunami. 

After calming down (again), I checked the time and at least, happy to see I can finally check-in. After I'm in the boarding gate, I tried to distract myself with games and novels. It worked. So time flies and I boarded the plane. I was happy and excited since it's my first time on MAS. (wow, talk about mood swing.) It was spacious (compared to airasia), there's a tv and there's a pillow and a blanket. Turned out this was the happiest flight I've ever had in my whole life (well, until that day itself). Of course I did cried silently a few times, but thanks to the very-comfy flight, I rested well and I landed at 4++pm (Malaysia time). My dad couldn't fetch me since he had to be at the memorial hall, so my uncle fetched me.

I took a transit train (RM26.50) to Tasik Selatan (surprised myself by remembering such a detailed stuff), and my uncle and cousin came. We went home first so I can shower and wear a proper attire for the memorial service. When I reached home, I took a look around first. Everything was the same as it is. I went into my parent's room, and I saw the things she used, the chair she used to sit, everything was still here. Somehow I had the feeling she's not gone yet. I took a shower and we went to the memorial hall. I dreaded, hoping this is just a dream, and this dream started to shatter as we reached the hall. 

I greeted my relatives, my grandma started crying as she hugged me. I saw my dad and my brother. They looked the same, just more tired and eyes a little swollen and red. I hugged them and my dad took me to see my mum. I dreaded, scared that I might breakdown again, scared to see her dead. I walked faster so I can get over my fears faster. 

My heart eventually stopped, seeing her lying so peacefully, so beautiful. My negative thoughts and feelings all disappeared as I see her. My heart calmed down as I stare at her, as if the first time seeing her so beautiful. Then, I started to cry. Instead of negative feelings, it's love that I felt at that time. How much I love her, the woman who love me so much, my mother, my bestfriend and my mentor. I loved her so much that I cried, realizing that I've long lost her, couldn't tell her for the last time that I love her. I hugged my dad and brother as I cried. My brother cried with me with dad patting my back. It seemed like eternity until I calmed down. 

We left the hall to have our dinner. Apparently, I couldn't eat anything. Naturally, everyone told me to eat, but I felt so grieved that I think I'll throw up everything I eat. In the end, I could only drink water. 

My mum was a Christian, so we had a Christian memorial service for three days. The service started at 8pm. I couldn't remember clearly what the pastor said, 'cause I kept crying as I see a super enlarged photo of my mum right in front of me. After the service, I hanged around for a moment and I played the keyboard. I played all of my mum's favourite songs, with my dad sitting nearby listening. After the music session, I felt so exhausted that I had to rest. So I slept (or more like fainted) in the small room beside the hall. Dad woke me up around 2am to go home ('cause we had to wait until everyone leaves first only we can go home). We reached home, took a quick shower and slept. 

14th May 2014

The second day was quite similar to the first day. We went to the memorial hall in the morning, stayed there the whole day. I played the keyboard again, repeating all of her favourite songs. I still couldn't eat a thing. My mood goes on and on like a cycle; crying, calming down, crying, ect. I felt more like a zombie because other than sorrow, I couldn't feel a thing. 

At night, my besties came for the service. One of them decided to come again tomorrow morning to accompany me for my mum's cremation, and the day went by. 

15th May 2014

Finally, the day. I dreaded, again. I was so scared since after this day, it means I won't get to see her anymore. But still, I woke up at 7am, went to the memorial hall and waited for the final service. My sweet friend decided to force-feed me with bread, saying she couldn't stand me not-eating anymore. She brought me bread, a bottle of mineral water and some flu medicine (I got sick since I didn't rested enough). I felt really grateful, know that I still have a friend that I can call a real BFF and care for me so much.

During the last service, me and my brother decided to sing her favourti gospel song. So I played the keyboard with him singing, dedicated to her as a goodbye. After this, I put my hair in the coffin to be cremated with her and we left the hall for the cremation center. 

During the whole journey, I cried and cried. I sat with my friend, and she's smart enough not to say any soothing words (or else I'll cry even harder). 

As we reached and the time is up for the cremation, we said our last goodbye. Everyone took turn to see her for the last time. When it was my turn, I was glued to her. I don't feel like leaving. Until dad reminded me it's time, I reluctantly tore myself away. As the coffin started to move, everything around me fade away, leaving me and mum. My tears flow as I see the coffin going in and in, until it's inside and the 'door' started to close. The moment the 'door' closed, my tears stopped flowing. I felt calm, peaceful and empty. 

I stayed at home for a week before I came back to Korea. That week felt like she went on a very far vacation, and seemed like she'll be back. Well, me and dad felt that way. My heart was tore apart when dad and I started to tidy mum's stuff. It brought back loads of memories, and till now I couldn't bring myself to tidy her closet. Whenever I open it, it screams of her. Her smell, the happy times when she wore those clothes, everything came back in full force. 

As the days, weeks, months went by, the fact that she passed away became more real and more heavier. It took me at least a month to fully realize that she's really gone. It was depressing. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Thanks to my boyfriend for staying by my side during that long depressing month, that I started to really cheer up after that.

It's been four long months, and till now, I'm still sad. Seeing the happy mothers and daughters passing by breaks my heart. Seeing old couples interacting makes me sad. Seeing the mothers showering their children with love saddens me. 'Cause these things make me fully aware, that these are the things I couldn't have anymore. Don't worry, I'm not depressed to the state where I wish every mother is gone (although I did thought of that when I was very depressed during the first month, and I felt very sorry and repented). At least I'm better now. I don't know how long will it take for me to completely recover, hopefully sooner. 'Cause I feel so sick of myself being sad all the time, yet I can't control myself. 

All I wanted to say is: cherish the time with your love ones. Sometimes you might have an argument or a fight. Well, don't be idiotic and stubborn, thinking that the other party should apologize first. Put your pride aside and cherish the moment together. For you'll never know when is the last time you can say i love you.